Thank you for this. My husband and I read this out loud to each other and nodded all the way through. We're hoping to start a family soon, and a lot of this has weighed heavy on my mind. It's immensely helpful to hear another, thoughtful perspective.
The idea of focusing on feelings as a measurement is so refreshing to me. So often I hear that the solution involves logisticizing my life & partnership, breaking down all the tasks, or coming up with a new system or chart (I am not great at these things nor do I have space for this type of task). And, especially as a woman, I am sometimes told to FEEL less!! I love that your "hack" does not involve adding anything wildly new, but is simply to feel & to let your partner feel (of course, checking in about those feelings takes time and attention). Thank you for writing this.
This was so thorough and helpful, I can already imagine sending it to people in my life who are newly pregnant and want more info about what the transition is really like.
The only thing I would add (and perhaps it is there, admittedly my ability to focus is lacking these days), let go of maternal gatekeeping. This is something I witnessed growing up and was bound and determined to let my husband do EVERY part of taking care of the baby, except what he was biologically unable to do, even if that means that I go into the other room in order not to correct or nitpick.
Also, as an Oregonian myself, I am so pissed off that the paid parental leave was delayed another year "because of Covid" when there has been little economic reason to justify the delay.
'I cheer on nationwide studies to understand the current state of gender equality in the home. But in my own personal relationship and home, I don’t want to conduct research studies.'
Great line: once you turn coupling into politics, you've lost the relationship plot.
Thank you for this. My husband and I read this out loud to each other and nodded all the way through. We're hoping to start a family soon, and a lot of this has weighed heavy on my mind. It's immensely helpful to hear another, thoughtful perspective.
The idea of focusing on feelings as a measurement is so refreshing to me. So often I hear that the solution involves logisticizing my life & partnership, breaking down all the tasks, or coming up with a new system or chart (I am not great at these things nor do I have space for this type of task). And, especially as a woman, I am sometimes told to FEEL less!! I love that your "hack" does not involve adding anything wildly new, but is simply to feel & to let your partner feel (of course, checking in about those feelings takes time and attention). Thank you for writing this.
This was so thorough and helpful, I can already imagine sending it to people in my life who are newly pregnant and want more info about what the transition is really like.
The only thing I would add (and perhaps it is there, admittedly my ability to focus is lacking these days), let go of maternal gatekeeping. This is something I witnessed growing up and was bound and determined to let my husband do EVERY part of taking care of the baby, except what he was biologically unable to do, even if that means that I go into the other room in order not to correct or nitpick.
Also, as an Oregonian myself, I am so pissed off that the paid parental leave was delayed another year "because of Covid" when there has been little economic reason to justify the delay.
'I cheer on nationwide studies to understand the current state of gender equality in the home. But in my own personal relationship and home, I don’t want to conduct research studies.'
Great line: once you turn coupling into politics, you've lost the relationship plot.